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My HeartLESS Desire

The other day a friend from high school commented on my FB post. She posted this in response to one of my “Wings Up” posts:

“One day I hope to love and cherish myself as you do. I am working on it! I love your positive self-love lessons!”

And my response was this …
“Sweets, I’m on this path every single day. It’s what we all came here to do. I’m learning to love myself through everything, but I have certainly not mastered it. If I can do it, so can you, Mary Lou! : ) XO”

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this post, and I’d like to clarify something, and this is it: I’m on this path with you, and I really want to clarify that I’ve perfected nothing! I don’t even think perfection is attainable. I spent nearly half a decade trying to achieve it. When you see my inspirational posts about keeping your wings up, it’s because I need to hear it, too. I’m building an army of earth angels because we are all on the edge of something, and that includes me! Awhile back, I went through a really scary time, and it’s a miracle that I’m healthy and alive. Once you have a life threatening crisis it changes many things, and the biggest thing it changed in me was my need to speak authentically from my heart, regardless of the backlash. I don’t want to die with my heart closed off and shut down. My goal is to use up my entire heart! Then I can be the gal that died with no heart because she gave it all way. Now there’s a new spin on heartless. I believe we only live with regrets when we betray our own hearts. All I know is if I follow my heart and listen to it, it screams less loudly inside of me to get my attention and be heard. Now every day I go inside my heart and the depths of my soul, and that’s where I’ve found many gifts I came into this lifetime with that had been forgotten.

We all choose to be here at a soul level. I believe we choose our parents and our families,
and the experiences, good and bad, to help us learn compassion for everyone, including ourselves. We all come from the same creator, and the sooner we come back to our soul truth, the sooner we empower ourselves. A long time ago, as a child of 4 or 5, because of abuse and trauma, I shut down and I folded and packed away my wings. I hid them in such a deep place that even I forgot them. But my wings would not be denied, and they would not let me live this lifetime without being remembered and honored. I thank that little girl for being braver than me, for keeping my wings safe for me, and for being my memory. She’s the bravest soul I know. My wings are my metaphor for empowerment. I shut down and hid my power because I knew it would be taken from me, and it was too precious not to be mine. That which is truly yours can never, ever pass you by.

I spent most of my life having something to prove and kicking shit to the curb. I sold my work to many celebrities, I sold my creations nationally to such stores as Neiman Marcus. I eventually had my own store and many people thought of me as a success, but I never really did. Of course, I had proud moments, like designing the 10 year commemorative pin for Race For the Cure, which I did with love in honor of my Mother and two aunts who all had breast cancer. There are bits and pieces of pride, but most of them are ego-based. Then, I got really ill, like life threatening ill. I had two major surgeries, I lost my car, I lost my artist owned shop, and I went bankrupt. Now? I don’t push anything. I don’t force a dang thing! I allow, I receive, I be …“Just be”. I had to allow myself to accept that I was worthy of receiving. Think that’s easy? Try it. I think you’ll be surprised by the depths of the journey you’ll be embarking on. I’m not saying you have to have a near death experience to understand this, to transform yourself onto the path of learning to love yourself, just that this is what happened to me. I literally had to have my entire world turned upside down and my own mortality threatened, to understand that I was pushing myself through everything and not loving myself through very much. I can honestly say now, right now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been with myself. Happiness is an inside job, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t contagious. If you’ve got something to share that will make this world a more loving place, please don’t contain it! We need more of that in the world. Don’t wait for someday to be brave. The only way to be brave is to be scared, and do it anyway. This is your day, right now! When you rise up and speak from your heart, magical, serendipitous things will begin to happen. I know this for a fact, because it happened to me.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been busy recovering, healing and reacquainting myself with who I really am and that little girl that protected me so well. I’ve survived a lot, I’ve unlearned a lot, and I’ve learned to trust a lot. I know in my bones that we’ve got to love ourselves through everything and that can only be done by walking this path of love, one baby step at a time with intention, bravery, truth and authenticity.

I’ve been on a big adventure these past few years. A lot of it has been public, on my radio show, and a lot of it internal. It may surprise you to know that I’m actually scared to reveal my inner knowing, because I spent the first 50 years of my life keeping it shut down and hidden. I resisted my truth, but my truth was relentless and would not let me rest, and neither would my spirit. I might be afraid, but I’m outing myself-coming out of the spiritual closet, right now, by revealing myself to you. My entire life I’ve seen things and I’ve known things intuitively. I can see and feel things about other people, too and I resisted it, I locked it up in my own rib-cage and now I’m setting it free. You don’t have to follow me, you don’t have to like me or even believe me, that’s okay. But you know what? I do! I have to stand in my truth, I have to love myself through as much as I can, and I have to lead by example and I have to speak from heart until it is all used up.

I’m an intuitive, creative, light warrior goddess, and I intend on honoring myself in all ways, always! I’m on a new road with lots of anticipation, trepidation and excitement, while I’m exploring and tapping into my spiritual gifts. I can hardly wait to see where my wings will take me, and I’m looking forward to my new flight plan immensely. I came here to be the light and to lead by example. Many of us can agree we’ve fallen on some dark times, but I’ve got too many good things to do and too many things I am passionate about. I’m now about making things happen, like raising the vibration of everyone and everything around me, even the ones that drive me nuts and bug the shit out of me, and yes, that happens to me all the time! Just because I am a light warrior doesn’t mean I’m airy, fairy rainbows and unicorns all the time. Of course not, the edge is there for a reason!

The dark side… they love Light workers. They love the peaceful people like us raising the vibration. They are literally like moths to the flame. Their energy can feel that you’ve got something wonderful that they don’t have, and they want to eat you and consume you . Literally, they are vacuums of the light … but they can’t they cannot control the light. They don’t have any power over it, because they don’t know how it works. They are in awe, so they want to cover it, consume it like perfume, they want to breath it in until it is gone, because that is the only way they can touch the light. It is that unknown to them.

We came here to be the light. That light is getting brighter and brighter. It may appear the world is getting darker, but that is not true. The only reason you are seeing so much dark is because the LIGHT makes it stand out. The dark under light has nowhere to hide. It tries, but it always bubbles to the surface and gives itself away, and this is exactly what is happening on our planet, in the human consciousness right now. And guess what? The LIGHT is not going away. The MOTH is much much smaller than the flame, and the flame has mesmerized the moth. The moth has very little power, but it knows how to flap its wings and create great shadows and abrupt movements and distractions, but that doesn’t give it power. It’s exhausted fighting the light it can’t consume. The dark is being extinguished and it knows it, and it’s throwing its last tantrum!

If this resonates with you, I hope you’ll join me in staying authentic and being the light and love we wish to see in this world. I truly believe love and light will win, and this is the beginning of a new, loving world. It’s just on the horizon, it’s sunrise time! Hold on tight, be the light, and keep the faith. When I’m HEARTLESS, I’ll know I’ve accomplished this life’s task here on earth school. And if I die heartless by using it all up before I depart this planet, then I’ll know I followed the spirit and the voice of my own heart, by uplifting others on the journey to self-love, until I didn’t have one bit of it left! But, you can bet I’m bringing my wings with me!

A Plea to my friends and foes

A plea to my friends and foes
I have the biggest bravest heart beating inside my ribcage. Human hearts are wild creatures perhaps that’s why our ribs are cages, better our ribs be cages than our hearts be savages. I’m loyal to a fault. Please don’t say something is purple when it is yellow and expect me to keep the truth trapped in my throat.
I will always fight for the underdog and I will always fight for what is right, the light. So don’t you cross me or someone I love. It would be wise to remember that I’m a Native New Yorker and I’ll kick your crap to the curb. Stop fighting to climb that pile of bullshit you’ve made into a mountain just to prove that you can. When you get to the top you will be just standing on a pile of dung you have not won. I have more compassion in my pinky finger and I’m way brighter and sparklier (yes I know that is not a word) than you can imagine. This isn’t a competition I truly want what’s best for all concerned. I’m a dog with a bone I never forget and I won’t let you either until you learn that hate is never the way.
I believe in the goodness of people and in turning the other cheek and I don’t believe in defeat.
I believe peace, integrity, authenticity, compassion and love are the best things you can wear every day before you open your front door and head out into this world
I believe God / Spirit will take care of others wrong doings way better than I could ever imagine. And for this I am grateful and I can sleep.
I believe in lifting people up and if they fall providing them the safest most loving place to land. I believe if you look down upon them it should only be to give them your hand.
I believe together, united, respected, honored, valued and loved we can get way more shit done and I believe in the power of prayer for everyone. I believe the power of many is greater than the power of one.
I believe A soul is nourished by what it GIVES not by what it receives.
I believe that Keeping your heart open & full of compassion is an extraordinary strength especially in the world we have created today.
I believe we all can love ourselves through anything as long as long as we remember that we all came from the same creator and we all get out alive in another form to transform and move on hopefully for the better.
We can’t live in the land of puppies and laughing babies and unicorns and rainbows we can visit but we don’t get to stay NOT on earth school on earth school we are here to get shit done.
I for one am doing that and if I inspire one person out there to do the same than all that loving myself through everything is working. I highly recommend you show up and try it I’m not saying it’s easy but we need you. We as a human race we all need you to show up and get your shit done.
Thank you

easter picture April 6th 1969I’ve always had a weird connection to Easter and my father. When I was young, I remember being terrified of a gigantic, human-sized Easter bunny looming over me with a hard plastic distorted bunny face yelling a muffled, “Happy Easter” from inside itself. It scared the shit out of me! There is a picture of my brother and me holding up a sign that reads, “Happy Easter”. This big production, I presume, was for my grandparents because they lived in the south and evidence of a Happy Easter was required. I have no idea, all I know is I have been creeped out by men in Easter bunny suits ever since. Nothing about a fake bunny suit is comforting or festive. On the contrary, it makes my skin crawl! I have the same aversion with clowns, but I have no recollection of any early clown occurrence that would cause this kind of reaction from me for the rest of my adult life.

My father’s death certificate says he died of Leukemia, but I am pretty certain he actually died of AIDS in the early 80’s before there was a name for the virus. At that time, gay men in New York were dropping like flies and being refused medical care in hospitals for fear of contagion.

It was very important to my father that things always looked “good” regardless of how they really were. I’m sure I was balling my eyes out seconds before that picture of me holding up the “Happy Easter” sign was taken and that a big fight with my father saying, “Dry your eyes, brush your hair, you’re being silly, and we are trying to take a picture” occurred. But, you would have no idea looking at that photo taken of us, a cute brother and sister around 4 and 5- as seemingly happy, well-rounded, carefree children, but nothing could be further from the truth.

As I child of divorced parents, I learned a great deal about paradoxes at a very early age. I spent my childhood from the age of four up in two very different homes. My mother was very much “what you see is what you get”, and my father was very much “ keep up appearances regardless of how crappy things really are”. So, not only was my father into a big façade, he was also a defeatist by always looking at it as how crappy things are rather than things are pretty damn good all things considered! I had limited visitations with him as a child-every other weekend and one week night- and quite frankly, I was lucky for it. Had I had more time with him I doubt that my relationship with him would have been “closer” or more cohesive. As the years progressed I would probably have been more of rebel than I am and at a much earlier age than 12. That’s when I got messed up with the wrong crowd and drugs and I begged my Mother to send me away to school so I could basically leave my father.

I actually don’t think my father really wanted to even be a father, much less be married to a woman, but he thought that was what was “expected” to look good. It was all a façade and unreal as much as that hard plastic, human head-sized bunny mask…

All of it was for “show”.

I never really went to church as a child except on vacations with our father, to visit his family in North Carolina, because that was the “southern way” and it was certainly the way he was raised. My brother and I would be put on parade in our Sunday best clothes, which frankly were never “good enough”, and I would listen to my grandmother ask me, “What in the world does your  mother do- she lets you run around with holes and stains on your clothes? If she hadn’t left your father, you would have such beautiful clothes.” She would spend an exorbitant amount of money on “church” clothes, shoes, etc. that we would never use again (the Greenwich Village lifestyle did not support Sunday school best!).

Then she would parade my brother and me all over town “VISITING” her friends, berating our mother- “Well you should have seen how these two showed up!” We would dread Sunday when we would be dropped off early in our new, uncomfortable, stiff, imposter clothing to be a part of SUNDAY SCHOOL with a bunch of children that looked at us like we were aliens. And of course, we were! We didn’t know the hymns, the bible, the procedures or how Sunday School actually worked. It was awful. Then we would sit in church all lined up in a pew with my father and grandparents and act as if this were the most normal of situations.

I didn’t know my father was a homosexual or bisexual until after his death, when I was 18. I wouldn’t have cared if he was gay, purple or an alien, all I cared about was how he treated me. He didn’t treat me very well until the end of his life, and at that point it just felt like a “plea bargain” with “God” or the great “Beyond”. It was rather pathetic to me actually. I had great compassion that my father was sick, and I was grateful that it made him a “softer” human being, but I had little compassion for the mentality that now he was going to live his life a certain way because it felt as if he were making a bargaining chip with God-that if he found God perhaps his soul would be saved. This was not a true connection, a loving embrace, an opening of faith and trust, it was simply an act of fear.

One time, I remember my father being authentic. I was 16 and he came to my school in Massachusetts. We walked alone and ended up at the outside basketball court in front of my Senior English group.  He started crying and he leaned his head on my shoulder, sobbing and telling me he was afraid to die. I was flabbergasted, I had no idea who this creature was. I was just beginning my life and we did not have a relationship of intimacy. It was as if he wanted us to be something we never were. A part of me resented being told this burden- how the hell was I supposed to comfort him or even know what to say? The other part of me felt helpless and embarrassed, as I knew my schoolmates in senior English class- which contained my 3 best friends and my boyfriend- were all watching this scenario play out before them. It was one of them most awkward moments of my life.

My entire life I’ve had two things I simply have no tolerance for: defeatism and being unauthentic. Flash forward to the spring vacation when I was home the year I was 17. My father had visitation for Easter weekend and wanted to go to church. So I dressed in my Sunday Best, whatever that was, and I managed to find something suitable. We went to church- something we NEVER did in all my years in NYC- and as we sat in that pew and I pretended to know the verses of the songs and play along with the rest of the congregation, I realized that my father was so desperate to find some solace- but never did. He looked for everything from outside himself instead of going within and looking for his faith there. It was a feeble last attempt to be something he wasn’t because that was what was “expected”.

I spent my 18th year in New York City, after graduating high school in May, visiting my father while he was declining. In and out of hospitals and visits, while my 3 best friends and my boyfriend all rented a house in San Francisco and started going to college. My father and I made some sort of peace that summer, as much as you can cram a lifetime into less than a precious year, while his health slowly weakened and my resentment of not having my freedom and my young life with my friends in California grew. By October he was gone. I think he died peacefully in that he did not suffer too much physically, but I don’t think he ever found that “inner peace” or “faith” he strived so desperately to grasp in trying to find God -because I believe he always felt separate from God.

I realize now, in my adulthood, that soul growth comes with life experience, and my father’s fear of being who he was not only kept him separate from God, It kept him separate from everyone he loved, including me. I feel blessed that I have always, even as a small child, know that God = Love and love resides in me. I believe in Jesus as a great teacher and a healer and I felt his presence around me when I survived a grave illness last year and since my recovery he has never left me. I realize i kept the “traditional” Jesus separate from my own heart prior to this experience because I associated him with the fear and judgmental guilt ridden, limited church going days of my childhood and my father. Now I hold my father’s memory in my brave authentic heart and I can be authentic for both of us while he remains in my heart for safekeeping until we meet again. If Jesus can rise, I see no reason why we can’t either, so now I can celebrate Easter for what it has always been a glorious rebirth and the promise of a new beginning.

We have a radio show people!

Listen in on my new radio show!
Wednesdays on 12radio.com at 11am PST.

Earlier this year I had a lifesaving surgery. When I was discharged from the hospital, I was so enthusiastic to take life by the balls, in this case wings, that the universe decided I needed more time to rest and decided to give me an open wound the size of a tennis ball, right smack in the middle of my gut! It was a ghastly, unsightly, painful, persistent little bugger that had a nurse visiting my home for the next six weeks. It also required me to be on pain medication. So, when a new, amazing opportunity fell into my lap, I didn’t even get that it had been offered to me!

Radio AnnoucementIt turns out I had been offered my very own radio show! I clearly didn’t comprehend this. My friend, Jennifer, kept telling me Mark Husson was offering me the chance to have a show on 12Radio.com, and I should at least check it out (because it’s a Gemini New Moon and I have no idea what that means except for the fact that my friend Jenn is almost always right). Convinced Jenn was confused, I reluctantly reached out to Mark, and I was completely shocked when he told me to contact Kristi, who would be my producer. It took me nearly a week to contact her because I was absolutely convinced that when she did reply to my e-mail she was going to ask me, “Who the heck are you and what are you talking about?” Well, Kristi (my producer, GULP)! couldn’t have been more lovely or supportive. After our first phone meeting, I hung up the phone and felt like puking, which is usually a sign for me that I am doing the brave thing and exciting things will come of it.

What do you do when a radio show falls in your lap and you are building an army of angels? YOU SAY, “YES”. Sir Richard Branson says, “If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later.” So, um, later has arrived. Ay yi yi, and I’m learning as I’m going and I’m counting on you, yes, you! If you are reading this, I’m guessing you’ve found this somewhat interesting and are probably willing to read the rest if it doesn’t go on too long and get really boring!

So, like I mentioned I’m building an Army of Angels, not perfect heavenly angels, hell no! I’m looking for angels here on earth. You know, the kind that get up every day and try to do the best they can even though life keeps throwing a wrench at them? The reason I’m building this army of like-minded souls is simple. I am selfish, and I really can’t do this alone. I’ve spent the first 50 years of my life waiting until I was thin enough, brave enough, smart enough. While I was in the hospital waiting for my pathology report, I realized that waiting was exactly that, “waiting”, and it was a complete waste of time it. It accomplished nothing and it just left me, WAITING. I figure I’m about 80% good and 20% somewhat rotten (feel free to pick your own ratio) and that’s about as good as it is ever going to get! I’m learning to love myself, flaws and all, because I can’t wait anymore, and you know what? I’ll just DIE if on the day I die I’m not loving myself and I’m still waiting on myself to show up and do the brave thing. I realize this is not an easy thing to do, but I’ve run out of options because I simply can’t live with myself without learning how to love myself. How about you?

Here’s the secret I discovered in that hospital bed …..you are the “IT” in the shit and you should own it. So, I’ve started this movement called Angel with An Edge. I am on the edge. I’ve finally realized I will always be on the edge of something, and we are ALL on the edge of something. All for one and one for all! I mean where is that safe place where you can fall? I’m tired of the haters, and I’m sick of the judgments. I just want to live in a world of respect.

I’ve come to several conclusions…

  • I don’t have to like you, but I will respect you enough to agree to disagree.
  • Earth angels are all around us, and they show up in the most miraculous of ways and at perfect times.
  • It is my job to take care of me and your job to take care of you, but it’s nice to know you have an army of angels that have your back.
  • This world has fought and hated since man began, and we don’t seem to be any better off for it.

I believe there are two things worth fighting for: LOVE and PEACE. I have become a soldier of love and a warrior of peace. So, I’m not going to wait anymore. I’m just going to wing it and go for it and have faith that everything will fall into place!

I’m not reinventing the wheel. I get that this isn’t rocket science. I’ve heard a great deal from some “spiritual teachers” that, at least to me, seem to portray themselves as all good or too good to be true, and I’m just saying, “Let’s keep the real in the deal”. Think of my Angel With an Edge movement as an invitation, or an initiation, or even a recruitment, for your soul.

Please join me for the kickoff of my radio show starting this Wednesday, Sept. 9th on 12radio.com at 11am PST. I WANT YOU!!! I can’t tell you how much it would mean to me if you would consider listening and even calling in. Let me know how WE can keep our wings up and make this world we live in a better place, together, by building an army of angels that are perfectly imperfect.

– Elizabeth

Julie’s Story

Julie is our Angel with an Edge all the way from Sydney, Australia! She is a world traveler and Zen Coach. Watch her video to learn more…

Diana’s Story

Diana is an Angel with an Edge and creator of Molé Mama. Her passion is sharing her love for food and heirloom recipes. Listen to her story below…

This amazing video captures the essence of Angel with an Edge and how it came about. Hear Elizabeth’s inspiring story that started this movement!

Love, Loss & What We Baked

It all started with this group of amazing women. We all came together through a book proposal writing course comprised of roughly 30 people, and eight of us became fast friends and confidants. We met via the internet twice a month and encouraged each other to continue on our creative paths. Diana has an interactive book in the works called, “Mole Mama”. It is about the journey of losing her mother and the love of her mother’s food. It is a recipe and support book for the bereaved. Diana shared that she has never been able to get her mother’s tortillas exactly right. I can relate, as I’ve kept two crates of my Mother’s recipes from the days she had a restaurant, and many of them I can’t get quite right. These recipes serve 100 people and I’ll never get that recipe right for, oh, say 10 people, but I still can’t bear to part with them. My mother used to love that song with the lyrics, “Someone left the cake out in the rain and I’ll never have that recipe again”…

I love Diana, and I love that she understands my heartache about the loss of my mother and I love that she honors her Mother and remembers her through the joy of food the same as I do. In another life, Diana and I would have been neighbors or our kids would have gone to the same school. But in this one, we have never met in person. We live thousands of miles apart, but it is as if we were only in the next room from each other. She called me the night before my debut as a guest on a radio show and she left a message saying, “I know you are going to do just great!” She has no idea how much that support meant to me, but I do know a new soul connection at this time in my life is rare and precious and I’m lucky enough to have more than just one.

This month’s project for our group, which we named, “Where the Magic Happens”, is to support Diana and “Mole Mama”. She did a live cooking presentation for the seven of us via the internet in a skype-like chat room. On her counter were a bunch of Gerber daisies, one of my favorite flowers. While Diana was busy mixing the batter, I inquired if that is her favorite flower, as they are mine. I stated that they reminded me of Minnie Mouse and later she mentioned how much her dearly departed mother loved Disneyland, and I told her maybe that was her mother speaking through me. I’m pretty positive it was as I could feel Diana’s mother beaming with pride as she showed us her grandmother’s Molcajete. We have serendipitous things happening like this all the time. Our “homework” this week is to make a recipe that we’ve eaten often, that was made by someone that loved you, and to make it for someone you’ve never made it for before. We are supposed to write down the amount of times we have had this recipe made for us throughout our lifetimes.

I chose my mother’s lemon bread.

lemon-bread-photo-cropped

 

The last time I made lemon bread was a year ago visiting my Aunt Adelaide with my sister. My aunt was nearing the end of her life and we went on a little adventure, that as it turns out, was really a journey to say goodbye. And we made lemon bread. It was a bittersweet experience, just like eating this particular lemon bread – sweet and juicy with a tart kick. Adelaide insisted the lemon bread recipe came from her, and my mom insisted it was her very own. Truth be told, it is a combination of the very best part of both of them, because they both made this recipe with love for the ones they loved. So when I got to Asheville, NC, what did I do? I baked in Adelaide’s kitchen, with my sister Cami, like my mother would do, because it is a way to show our love.

As soon as I take a bite I am thrown back into the Greenwich Village of my youth and I am running down the tree lined, cobblestoned streets and the brownstones, passing Mrs. Reardon, who was always sweeping her stoop and waving her hands with the broom in the air and yelling at the neighborhood kids passing by. “Keep off the stairs, mind ya!”, she said in her Irish accent. I am instantly teleported back to my mother’s restaurant, The Front Porch, which was in Greenwich Village, around the corner from our apartment. It used to be a pharmacy and had the old large glass jars with labels that no one gave any value to except that there was instant décor, and so they remained on the shelves as you sat and dined in this tiny corner restaurant. As soon as I opened the door, it smelled amazing and familiar and I felt safe and protected from the busy city life outside. I was a latchkey kid, and I grew up on The Front Porch food. After school I would drive the waitresses crazy being bossy and demanding, and usually eating whatever they decided to bring me at a table – lemon bread, vegetarian chili, and hot cider with a cinnamon stick. They put up with me only because I was the owner’s kid!

I am swept away to a later time in the loft on the 7th floor at our apartment on 15th street, where for Thanksgiving we would have nearly 60 people, friends and family, each bringing their own tasty dish to share. I am in the all-white kitchen making the whipped cream, repeatedly asking my mother if it is done yet because I have no idea that this is a precious task that I will miss for the remainder of my life after 44. Nope, I am wishing I was in the back of the loft on the fire escape getting secretly stoned and listening to Carole King … “I feel the earth move under my feet” and thinking to myself that time just wouldn’t pass fast enough because I have so many dreams to accomplish. Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now – that I just can’t seem to get time to slow down. I am flooded with memories, and lemon bread was there for all of them. I never realized all of those people, especially my mom, wouldn’t be in the world I was still in someday. Grandma Sara, all four-feet of her looking up at me through Mr. Magoo glasses asking “How’s your love life?”, and Poppy slipping me a sly twenty with a wink as if it were understood this was only between the two of us. “Here you go darling”, he said as if I were the only one. Even though he did the same thing with my siblings. I also recall the time we had a hundred “Iran Sucks” buttons as ornaments on our Chrismakkah tree because of the gas crisis. I so wish I had a picture of this, but it is only in my mind’s eye. Remembering my mom grabbing my arm and saying, “Feel me, I’m having a hot flash.” But she had always felt warm to me and she always had such warm healing hands. I think the indifference of my reaction was always a letdown to her. Now I look up and say, “I get it, Mom.”

I like to think Diana’s mom and my mom are smiling upon us as if they knew this was the plan all along. That in this wonderful, amazing, heartbreaking and creative time in our lives we would meet and we would get along smashingly well. I also like to think that when it’s our time and we’ve lived a life full of fulfilling our dreams and loving our lives as much as we could they’d be on the other side to greet us with warm tortillas and lemon bread. And all would feel almost perfect again, as if none of us had ever parted.

It’s 1:33am and I am so excited that I woke myself up and had to write this, as now I know who I will be making my lemon bread for. I wonder if I freeze two mini loaves and wrap them with bubble wrap and stick them in a flat rate express mail envelope if they will get to Diana in California alright, and if she will taste the love I put into them. I sure hope so. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I figure my number is 844. That’s how many times lemon bread was made for me. But that’s another story…

The Gift of Thanks – CWBA

We are so excited that Alison Zinn of the Colorado Women’s Bar Association gave the wonderful women on her Board of Directors Angel with an Edge pins. Below is the note that came with the pins and pictures of them receiving them. Thank you Alison!

As a token of my appreciation for your service on the CWBA Board of Director’s this year, I have little something for you but I’d like to share the background of this gift first.

Elizabeth Lindsey is an artist – specifically a jewelry designer.  She is an amazing artist but also has this incredible energy and passion for treating everyone with fairness and dignity – when you put good out into the world, you get it back.  Of course it is easier said than done.  Elizabeth has been working on a movement (which will ultimately become a foundation) called Angel with an Edge.

Elizabeth’s vision is as follows: she is tired of the intolerances in the world and she is passionate about bringing together like-minded souls (in a broader sense) to be united in treating every person with dignity and respect.   The AWE pin is a symbol of this movement…Putting on that little Angel with An Edge pin is not only a statement about this movement it says….. ‘I’m not perfect, neither are you, but I believe in your rights as a citizen of this planet.  I am going to embrace my own imperfections and yours too.  I know we are all of the edge of something – good or bad – and let’s acknowledge each other’s journey.’

We are all living on the edge of something – something good or something bad.  This pin is about acknowledging this fact about ourselves and in one another.  Even though Elizabeth’s movement is still taking shape, I think the message is a beautiful and I hope you think of the message, your service, and this board when you wear it.  I also hope you remember that you were instrumental in making the CWBA what it is today and putting it on the Edge of being the best it has ever been.  Finally and perhaps, more importantly, I want you to look at “our edge” as women in this world.  You are a part of what moves us forward and what keeps the conversation on the tips of tongues.  Thank you. – Alison Zinn

Join Our Celebration!

Please join Elizabeth at the shop in Cherry Creek as she celebrates health, happiness and all of you…my army of angels that got me through. We will be toasting to my extraordinary recovery and Angel with an Edge project. I also have a special gift just for you!

Enjoy cupcakes, bubbly and more on Saturday. Learn more about the event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/611334262299585/

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Friends with Fear

FEAR

I’m working on becoming friends with my fear because I realize it will always be a part of my life. It’s probably the one thing I can actually count on not to abandon me, especially in my darkest hours. It’s easier to embrace it, face it and become well acquainted. “Hello fear, it’s me Elizabeth. I’m afraid, but I’m going to do the brave thing as best I can and continue on with my day. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you again sooner than later.” – Elizabeth

Survivor to Thriver

988895_10206050285874825_6481002276466082674_n-2-2Less than 5 weeks ago I had 54.6 pound tumor surgically removed from my body. For those of you who may not get the enormity of what that really means consider this: my tumor was the same weight as 7, YES seven newborn babies or the size of one average healthy 7 year old child. Wowza!

I’m actually quite lucky to be alive and cancer free, turns out it was a “borderline contained cancer” which is the best case scenario because they got it all and there is only a 5% chance of recurrence. I’ve never been through a medical trauma personally… I’ve only seen what my Aunts and Mother went through…. And let me tell you it’s real different when it is you!

Before the shit hit the fan I was writing a book proposal titled “Angel with a Edge” that I submitted to a publisher in the end of 2014. One of the chapters was titled “It’s not a Tumor” which was all about my Mother’s brain tumor and how my family got through this difficult time with humor. I was also premiering my “Angel with an Edge” movement and lapel pin in my store. Little did I know I had a life threatening tumor growing inside of me and I had no idea I was going to desperately need my own army of angels to get me through this. I certainly did not know just how many were going to show up for me. Life is ironic; truly ironic, you just can’t make this stuff up!

There are some incredible angels out there who rallied for me, they took care of me, they were strong for me and they amazed me. If you are reading this you might be one of them, if you prayed for me you are definitely one of them and this might be my only chance to thank you. Thank you for praying for me! I thought I lost my momentum in my Angel with an Edge movement because I was healing and so very tired and in pain. I felt that I hit a wall and was lost somehow but I realize now I needed to surrender and let go to see the miraculous people who showed up for me. My army of angels literally came to me, they showed up for me and until now I had no idea how loved I am.

I know it sounds like a cliché’, but I am a completely different person now. I’m still a “truth-sayer” but now I have a filter. Oh I still call bullshit when I see it, what kind of angel with an edge would I be without my edge? However now I try to express myself coming from a place of compassion and less judgment and since my surgery I’ve realized I have absolutely no idea what anyone else is dealing with or going through and I hope I stay that way. My heart is so full of gratitude sometimes I think it isn’t possible to fit anything else in it, of course that is ridiculous but I realize now that my heart is just more selective of what it will embrace… and there is always room for more love! I see beauty in the smallest of things, I really see the world with new eyes that are brighter, lighter and filled with gratitude. I am grateful to be given the opportunity to live a ripe old age, something neither of my parents were able to do, god willing. I will remind myself I am not here to be perfect, as the 10” incision I have from above my belly button down my stomach catches my eye in the mirror and to be grateful I am alive and thriving.

I had a preconceived concept in my head of how my Angel with an edge project was going to go I even trademarked the name and the image. But the real story of what is unfolding verses my vision of what I thought would happen is small potatoes compared to what God (Interject universe, Buddha, Krishna, whatever works for you) created for me. Yes I embarked on my angels here on earth project and I started manifesting the concept, but my army of angels came to me and showed up before me at one of the darkest times of my life. Now I know exactly what must be done. I am a survivor and now I am going to thrive! I am going to put my entire foot in the water at the river’s edge, not just one toe. I’m going to say what I mean and mean what I say with as much kindness as I can muster up. I’m going to continue my revolution that we are all roughly 20% bad and 80% good, and that is my message don’t wait for things to all fall together sometimes they all fall apart and then fall together and sometimes they all fall apart and never come together.

Being in a life threatening situation taught me today is the only day you have this moment it all we have. People told me I was brave but really I was just trying to live through each moment and be present that is what worked for me. Life is fragile I’ve never felt so vulnerable and so invincible at the same time. I started something amazing it’s called “Angel with an Edge” and then I thought it got squashed until I realized I was thrown into an unexpected wild journey and this is exactly where I should be! I hope you join me.

Being human I’ve discovered over these past weeks that I’m not going to make it alone. As humans not only do we crave companionship we literally can’t survive without each other and we certainly cannot thrive without sharing our stories, tears and laughter I hope you’ll join me on my journey to thriving, this is just the beginning!

On March 27th and 28th from noon to five an army of angels will come together to celebrate my extraordinary recovery and my Angel With an Edge project. It would mean so much to me if you could attend, have a glass of bubbly and receive special gift from me! If you missed our big premier party in December you won’t want to miss this one, and if you did attend I bet you won’t believe how amazing I look now, I’ve lost over 80 pounds and I feel fantastic!

I can’t wait to see you then!

Elizabeth

Olivia’s Story

Check out Olivia’s story. She’s an Angel with an Edge, mom and branding/marketing extraordinaire! If you have a story to share we want to hear it… send us a message.

Happenstance Happens

yellow-brick-roadHonestly, I don’t know why I had to become so sick, but sick I am. So many of you who were not able to attend my “Secret Reveal” party in December have asked me what is going on, what’s the big exciting secret? Well let me try to fill you in on why I am not being mysterious, but that chance took me in different direction temporarily. Right before Christmas I got the flu which turned into pneumonia which turned into taking medicine that invited the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz for a 5 night stay in my stomach.

It’s hard to start a revolution when you feel like you are going to die…and that is just what I am starting, a revolution…I’ll get into more about that in a moment. A couple years back, I worked three days in a row outside during our sidewalk sale. It was over 100 degrees, and I had a terrible case of shingles. That was really rough so I know it takes a lot to bring me down! But when the universe decides it is your turn to stop and do nothing but rest you have no choice you just have to follow the “chance” part of it and go with it, or literally die I guess.

I’ve been bed ridden for 21 days and my shop has been closed down intermittently, which of course is terrifying being on the edge of financial woes is really nerve wracking, especially when you are an artist owned business. Like I said I’ve had no choice only chance and this chance is to trust that something really good does come when you are faced with a yellow brick road in front of you that you had no idea was in your future! I try to remind myself that like my heroine “Dorothy”, there is divine timing in life and delays are in my favor! I remind myself with every uncharted step that I will not go under, that I have support and wonderful customers like you and that I am stronger than I know.

So here is the big reveal. I’ve written and submitted a book proposal to a publisher, yes a real life actual publisher which is exciting and terrifying, and created a beautiful lapel pin that sells for $9.99 which you can purchase here and in our retail shop. With this I’ve also created a movement called Angel with an Edge™. We had an amazing turn out at the reveal party and those that could attend loved my new creation. Watch the wonderful video of some who participated.

I need you and your insights on this journey. I would love your feedback and your opinion is priceless to me! If you would be so kind as to take 2 minutes and fill out our online survey (here’s the thing… it’s anonymous so I won’t know it’s you unless you want me to). I am gathering an army of angels and I hope you will join me as 2015 is not about trying to “better myself” but to embrace my 20% bad and my 80% good and do the brave thing. 2015 is not about a resolution but a revolution!

Angel with an Edge is an army of angels who believe that all souls are equal and that no one is better than anyone else. We don’t all have to agree, but we do have to respect each other as human beings. We are all a ratio of bad and good and we are all trying to do the best we can.

Ready to take flight?

Viva the Angel with an Edge Revolution!

Please join our army of angels because every angel here on earth is on the edge of something, and you are needed now more than ever!

Elizabeth

Join the Revolution!

We had an amazing time at the reveal party for Angel with an Edge™ where people from all walks of life came together to learn about this new movement and celebrate each other. We hope you enjoy this quick peek into the night!