A Bellybutton-less Woman Is Born
I wasn’t going to do another gift piece/blog for this year, but I am announcing that I will be a quiet voice for most of December and I will be off the radar. You might catch a glimpse of me; however I could be incognito because frankly, after the past three years, I barely recognize myself! But when spirit moves me to write I listen!!!
I’m not going to sugarcoat it….my last three birthdays really sucked and were pretty rough for me.
December 2014, I was growing a giant tumor (unbeknownst to me). I was misdiagnosed and also had pneumonia, so I spent my birthday in bed. In February, I had an emergency lifesaving surgery that no-one could promise I would walk away from. I then had months of complications.
December 2015, I went on a journey, left my husband and my home. I had no idea if we would get to the other side, which thankfully, we did.
December 2016, I had a second surgery due to complications from my first surgery. This surgery was much harder than I ever imagined! Much harder than the first one on both my body and my heart.
And in between all that, I lost almost everything. My world was turned upside down and I was completely transformed from the inside out—mind, body, spirit and soul.
Can you say “ENOUGH!?!?!?!”
Listen—I’m a tough cookie. I’m a native New Yorker. I have kicked shit to the curb my whole life. I was always the girl who could get shit done, until I was literally done!
This December 19th is my “new” birthday and my new life! I’m officially claiming myself reborn. Not like a born again Christian, although I did meet Jesus, but I’ll save that for another time. I literally lost my bellybutton. I do not have one anymore. It had to be removed so that I could survive and live and eventually thrive. When people discover this they exclaim half-jokingly, “What’s a bellybutton for except to collect lint?” I usually laugh and let it go, but my soul knows. It is not something I often share because most people don’t have the depth for my answer.
A bellybutton is one of the most intimate and important body parts a human soul can have. Think about it. An umbilical cord is something we are ALL born with and when they cut it, we all carry the scar with us until the day we die. (Most of us that is) We may not think much about our bellybutton, because it’s always been there, just like our flesh suit. It grew up with us. A bellybutton is a reminder that someone indeed gave us life. They sacrificed their own life to carry us and feed us and breathe for us until we were ready to be born. They were willing to be broken wide open so that we could arrive on this earth naked and vulnerable and unable to survive without love and nurturing. I can assure you, it feels quite disarming to have it erased. Especially when the person who birthed you has left the world they birthed you into.
I already lost my rock, my mom and two of my aunts. I thought that was my big “transformation” and a dark night of the soul (It was), but little did I know that is just where the journey began. I had to learn to live in a world without her in it and this Christmas will be 10 years since she passed. There is something about an entire decade and living through all of this without her on the planet that makes this year particular bittersweet. She is always with me, lovingly pushing me to “breathe and do the brave thing”, just in another way.
Because of these incredible years, I have literally been reborn into myself. By losing my bellybutton, I ultimately got an entirely new life. I’ll take that trade any day because, if there were any other way to have gotten here, I would have done it. This was my path and I am truly proud of the way I have walked it. I did gain my inner knowing and strength and my empowerment and that can never be taken from me. I have literally been reborn to myself. That, I can tell you.
Birthing is messy and ugly and all-consuming, but the reason for birth is to give life.
I was literally cracked open twice and it was out of sheer will, tenacity and determination that I am here.
This year, I’m taking December off. I knew I was doing too much and pushing myself too hard. I committed to doing a fair with my jewelry—something I have not done in nearly two years. My jewelry was once a great love and now, that love has died. I did the fair because I loved the people and the space. When I make a promise, I keep it, but every cell in my body screamed no and so did my heart. So much so that I got sick fighting off a cold and then I threw my back out. The Universe physically made me stop!
I looked up and said, “I was about to take time off in December. I am listening!” And Spirit replied, “Not soon enough!” So now that I am able to bend and sit without wincing, I am typing this up at the end of November to share with all of you on my “new” birthday! I’m grateful to the modern world of time release e-mail blasts! I now know, after nearly two years, that jewelry is not a passion for me anymore. I now know to listen more quickly to Spirit than I used to—even though I don’t listen quick enough. My grandmother Rich use to say, “Listen Quick!” which actually isn’t physically possible, but it seems to make sense here, so there you go. You’re welcome!
So I say NO.
I say NO a lot these days. So much so that I’m teaching a class about it in 2018.
I set boundaries.
THANK YOU is a prayer. “NO.”- is a sentence and you can say both with love!
I say YES to myself! I say YES to my birthday
I say YES to gifts people give me.
I say YES to myself and I do NOT kick shit to the curb anymore. You are the “It” in the Shit. Own it!
So now, when people offer me gifts, I say yes and thank you and I am truly grateful they thought of me fondly enough to want to make an effort for me. What makes me feel most special of all is being remembered.
So far I’ve planned a lovely month for myself. I have an amazing astrology reading from CA Brooks, an extraordinary talented psychic astrologer. I am going to a Native American Star Knowledge event with my good friend Kay Dragon on 12/12. I’m sure that my husband, who loves me for who I am, has a few things up his sleeve. I will be going to an Imax viewing of “Conquest of the Skies”, which is all about flight and wings of course. And I’m allowing the universe and my wings to guide me. I’m just beginning to plan a few tête-à-têtes with cherished friends.
You see, I know this is a precious time in my life. I’m nearly done healing (physically), thank goodness! I’ve started a new flight plan as an intuitive counselor and psychic reader—something I never really imagined for myself. I write monthly horoscopes and I am teaching a monthly class on 12Academy. And like any good teacher, I’ve also been learning and taking classes behind the scenes (all will be revealed in good time). I know that my past is dead and about as buried as it will ever be, and that includes a lot of attachments from others who wanted me to stay a certain way. That was simply not an option for me.
I imagine that by this time next year, I will be exhausted. I will have been very busy writing my book. The writing is quite cathartic and healing for me and hopefully, it will help others to find their own inner knowing, regardless of their bumpy journey. We all have one or two or three…
People don’t like to hear about you being sick, for many reasons. Some get scared that it will happen to them and don’t want to dive into the subject. Some get sick of you being sick and think you should get over it. But some stay and watch you transform. They lift you up when you can’t walk for yourself and love you at your worst. I am so grateful that I have more of the latter. Chances are, if you are reading this, you are on that list!
I have so many beautiful souls in my life and I am so grateful every day that I am healthy. None of us really know what will come in our future. We just pray, manifest and let Spirit do the rest. I don’t define things too much. I just allow them and know with a concise clear direction that I am divinely guided. In a way, after this birthday, I know a part of my life will no longer belong to me. I must share myself and my light with as many people as are willing to be guided, or listen, or just walk beside me on the journey, learning to love ourselves through everything.
For me, and for the world I live in, there is no other option.
But for now, I plan on enjoying every receiving-allowing-indulgent-self-absorbed moment! I hope I’ll be able to love myself more and more each day, through all these extravagances!
(Sigh) Wings UP!
All my love.