My HeartLESS Desire
The other day a friend from high school commented on my FB post. She posted this in response to one of my “Wings Up” posts:
“One day I hope to love and cherish myself as you do. I am working on it! I love your positive self-love lessons!”
And my response was this …
“Sweets, I’m on this path every single day. It’s what we all came here to do. I’m learning to love myself through everything, but I have certainly not mastered it. If I can do it, so can you, Mary Lou! : ) XO”
I’ve done a lot of thinking about this post, and I’d like to clarify something, and this is it: I’m on this path with you, and I really want to clarify that I’ve perfected nothing! I don’t even think perfection is attainable. I spent nearly half a decade trying to achieve it. When you see my inspirational posts about keeping your wings up, it’s because I need to hear it, too. I’m building an army of earth angels because we are all on the edge of something, and that includes me! Awhile back, I went through a really scary time, and it’s a miracle that I’m healthy and alive. Once you have a life threatening crisis it changes many things, and the biggest thing it changed in me was my need to speak authentically from my heart, regardless of the backlash. I don’t want to die with my heart closed off and shut down. My goal is to use up my entire heart! Then I can be the gal that died with no heart because she gave it all way. Now there’s a new spin on heartless. I believe we only live with regrets when we betray our own hearts. All I know is if I follow my heart and listen to it, it screams less loudly inside of me to get my attention and be heard. Now every day I go inside my heart and the depths of my soul, and that’s where I’ve found many gifts I came into this lifetime with that had been forgotten.
We all choose to be here at a soul level. I believe we choose our parents and our families,
and the experiences, good and bad, to help us learn compassion for everyone, including ourselves. We all come from the same creator, and the sooner we come back to our soul truth, the sooner we empower ourselves. A long time ago, as a child of 4 or 5, because of abuse and trauma, I shut down and I folded and packed away my wings. I hid them in such a deep place that even I forgot them. But my wings would not be denied, and they would not let me live this lifetime without being remembered and honored. I thank that little girl for being braver than me, for keeping my wings safe for me, and for being my memory. She’s the bravest soul I know. My wings are my metaphor for empowerment. I shut down and hid my power because I knew it would be taken from me, and it was too precious not to be mine. That which is truly yours can never, ever pass you by.
I spent most of my life having something to prove and kicking shit to the curb. I sold my work to many celebrities, I sold my creations nationally to such stores as Neiman Marcus. I eventually had my own store and many people thought of me as a success, but I never really did. Of course, I had proud moments, like designing the 10 year commemorative pin for Race For the Cure, which I did with love in honor of my Mother and two aunts who all had breast cancer. There are bits and pieces of pride, but most of them are ego-based. Then, I got really ill, like life threatening ill. I had two major surgeries, I lost my car, I lost my artist owned shop, and I went bankrupt. Now? I don’t push anything. I don’t force a dang thing! I allow, I receive, I be …“Just be”. I had to allow myself to accept that I was worthy of receiving. Think that’s easy? Try it. I think you’ll be surprised by the depths of the journey you’ll be embarking on. I’m not saying you have to have a near death experience to understand this, to transform yourself onto the path of learning to love yourself, just that this is what happened to me. I literally had to have my entire world turned upside down and my own mortality threatened, to understand that I was pushing myself through everything and not loving myself through very much. I can honestly say now, right now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been with myself. Happiness is an inside job, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t contagious. If you’ve got something to share that will make this world a more loving place, please don’t contain it! We need more of that in the world. Don’t wait for someday to be brave. The only way to be brave is to be scared, and do it anyway. This is your day, right now! When you rise up and speak from your heart, magical, serendipitous things will begin to happen. I know this for a fact, because it happened to me.
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been busy recovering, healing and reacquainting myself with who I really am and that little girl that protected me so well. I’ve survived a lot, I’ve unlearned a lot, and I’ve learned to trust a lot. I know in my bones that we’ve got to love ourselves through everything and that can only be done by walking this path of love, one baby step at a time with intention, bravery, truth and authenticity.
I’ve been on a big adventure these past few years. A lot of it has been public, on my radio show, and a lot of it internal. It may surprise you to know that I’m actually scared to reveal my inner knowing, because I spent the first 50 years of my life keeping it shut down and hidden. I resisted my truth, but my truth was relentless and would not let me rest, and neither would my spirit. I might be afraid, but I’m outing myself-coming out of the spiritual closet, right now, by revealing myself to you. My entire life I’ve seen things and I’ve known things intuitively. I can see and feel things about other people, too and I resisted it, I locked it up in my own rib-cage and now I’m setting it free. You don’t have to follow me, you don’t have to like me or even believe me, that’s okay. But you know what? I do! I have to stand in my truth, I have to love myself through as much as I can, and I have to lead by example and I have to speak from heart until it is all used up.
I’m an intuitive, creative, light warrior goddess, and I intend on honoring myself in all ways, always! I’m on a new road with lots of anticipation, trepidation and excitement, while I’m exploring and tapping into my spiritual gifts. I can hardly wait to see where my wings will take me, and I’m looking forward to my new flight plan immensely. I came here to be the light and to lead by example. Many of us can agree we’ve fallen on some dark times, but I’ve got too many good things to do and too many things I am passionate about. I’m now about making things happen, like raising the vibration of everyone and everything around me, even the ones that drive me nuts and bug the shit out of me, and yes, that happens to me all the time! Just because I am a light warrior doesn’t mean I’m airy, fairy rainbows and unicorns all the time. Of course not, the edge is there for a reason!
The dark side… they love Light workers. They love the peaceful people like us raising the vibration. They are literally like moths to the flame. Their energy can feel that you’ve got something wonderful that they don’t have, and they want to eat you and consume you . Literally, they are vacuums of the light … but they can’t they cannot control the light. They don’t have any power over it, because they don’t know how it works. They are in awe, so they want to cover it, consume it like perfume, they want to breath it in until it is gone, because that is the only way they can touch the light. It is that unknown to them.
We came here to be the light. That light is getting brighter and brighter. It may appear the world is getting darker, but that is not true. The only reason you are seeing so much dark is because the LIGHT makes it stand out. The dark under light has nowhere to hide. It tries, but it always bubbles to the surface and gives itself away, and this is exactly what is happening on our planet, in the human consciousness right now. And guess what? The LIGHT is not going away. The MOTH is much much smaller than the flame, and the flame has mesmerized the moth. The moth has very little power, but it knows how to flap its wings and create great shadows and abrupt movements and distractions, but that doesn’t give it power. It’s exhausted fighting the light it can’t consume. The dark is being extinguished and it knows it, and it’s throwing its last tantrum!
If this resonates with you, I hope you’ll join me in staying authentic and being the light and love we wish to see in this world. I truly believe love and light will win, and this is the beginning of a new, loving world. It’s just on the horizon, it’s sunrise time! Hold on tight, be the light, and keep the faith. When I’m HEARTLESS, I’ll know I’ve accomplished this life’s task here on earth school. And if I die heartless by using it all up before I depart this planet, then I’ll know I followed the spirit and the voice of my own heart, by uplifting others on the journey to self-love, until I didn’t have one bit of it left! But, you can bet I’m bringing my wings with me!